The Cake is Not a Lie!

In which I attempt to bake the cake from Portal...

Since I keep promising CAOS that the cake is indeed not a lie I thought I should probably attempt to bake the cake from Portal.

Portal Cake Wallpaper
Portal Cake Wallpaper

While the cake might not have ended up looking exactly like the one pictured it is very tasty.


  • 175g salted butter
  • 400g dark chocolate
  • 300g self raising flour
  • 375g golden caster sugar
  • 25g cocoa
  • 2 medium eggs
  • 200g buttermilk
  • 100ml boiled water
  • 425g pitted cherries
  • 100g morello cherry jam
  • 4 tbsp kirsch
  • 500ml double cream


  • Mix chocolate mixture & egg mixture into dry ingredients.
  • Add boiling water then whisk until smooth.
  • Pour mixture into three 9-inch cake tins.
  • Bake at 180°C for 25 minutes.
  • Pour 2 tbsp of kirsch over each cake.
  • Leave to cool.
  • Mix drained cherries and jam.
  • Heat 200ml of cream and the remaining chocolate until melted.
  • Allow chocolate mixture to cool.
  • Whisk the remaining cream until thickened.
  • Spread jam, cherries and cream over the bottom two cakes.
  • Stack the cakes.
  • Cover in chocolate mixture and allow to cool.
  • Decorate!
  • Enjoy!